Before I start things off, today is in fact not Saturday. Yes, I know, weird. Anywho, the reason I’m not waiting for Saturday is because this is a

DAY ONE REVIEW!!!

(PYROTECHNICS!!)

(Guitar solo!)

YEAH! That’s what’s happens. But what video game is this handsome man reviewing? Glad you asked beauties. Skyrim…

Yes, Skyrim.

DAWNGUARD!!

OMG PLOT TWIST!!

Ok, so why am I reviewing a game I already reviewed? Well I’m not, I’m reviewing an expansion for a game I already reviewed. Confusing? It shouldn’t be, I’m sorry if my explanations suck, let me just back track a little.

So, here’s how it goes. Skyrim came out last November, and it was all that people talked about for a solid three months, more specifically that one thing those guard’s always say that I shant repeat lest I summon an un-holy terror from the depths of hel- the internet.  Then once everybody had their fill on YouTube comment sections, forums and what-have-you, they kind of just dropped it, Skyrim was lost in the deeps and no one really talked about it. Sure a few stuck around to play it, but it wasn’t that big any more, which is surprising because it sold 300 million copies in less than seven days. So, people moved on, played Call of Duty and whatever the crap else. When, sometime in, I want to say, April, Bethesda announced Dawnguard  was coming out. And people all over the world puked out their guts. Suddenly Skyrim was rad again, but Dawnguard hadn’t been released yet, so people just kind of got back in to the game they had forgotten about. Today, Dawnguard came out, and it. Is. Awesome.

Here’s what Dawnguard entails. You, The Dragonborn have to fight vampires! Yeah, like Abraham Lincoln. That movie’s based off a true story right, it’s like a biography or whatever? But that’s not it. From what I’ve seen, in my 1 and a half hours’ worth of solid gameplay, the vampires are sick and tired of all this daylight crap, so they’re gonna blot out the sun… not with arrows, and no one is dining in hell. Unless they use “Arrow to the knee” jokes.

So the plot. Stuff picks up pretty early on into the DLC (Down-loadable content, lest you be confused) with the Dovahkiin (that’s you, or me in this case, because I’m talking about my own experiences) wandering around a forest after a dragon came and launched him and his horse twenty stories into the sky (that actually happened to me) and killing two bears. The now bored Dovahkiin decides to wander into town to see what’s what, mostly because he had downloaded the Dawnguard DLC and wanted to play it. The Dragonborn (which is English for Dovahkiin, lest you get confused) originally thought that a courier would show up and bring him a letter saying he was invited to the “Cool Kids Vampire Killing Club” or “CKVKC” which is indeed a palindrome. But alas no such person appeared. Upon screaming his way into town the Dovahkiin was greeted by two guards (not of the dawn variety) standing around, one yells at the Dragonborn that the Dawnguard is looking for some peeps near Riften. The excited man with the soul of a dragon books it (i.e fast travels) to Riften, which is one of the Nine Holds. If you don’t know what a Hold is, then maybe you shouldn’t be reading this.   Anyways, some dog shows up in Riften and some mage kills it. Something weird always happens when the Dovahkiin enters Riften, two people always start killing each other. It’s hilarious, but kind of sad, like a puppy that keeps on sneezing, you know he’s having an awful time, but you can’t stop splitting your sides long enough to care. Anyways, it didn’t seem too out of the ordinary, I jus- cough, the Dovahkiin just wanted to get to some vampire killing. He turned around to leave the city, because maybe the secret meeting was happening out there, but was interrupted by an Orc, none of that JRR Tolkien junk, he’s just a green guy that needs braces, told me that the Dawnguard was recruiting and that the Dovahkiin looked like he had the chops. The Dovahkiin booked it out of the city and went to some sketchy looking cave, on the outside at least, when Dovahkiin entered he was greeted with a serene waterfall and some elk, not wanting to be a jerk, and ruining the natural beauty, the Dovahkiin promptly killed every animal and jumped around in the pond. After that little fiasco, the Dovahkiin went up the hill to what he thought was going to be like a shack or cave or some crap, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be a freaking castle. Once the Dragonborn entered the castle he overheard a conversation between the leader of the club, and some guy. The Dragonborn rudely interrupted, cause Dovahkiin don’t care! The leader didn’t even go through some stupid initiation, he just told the Dovahkiin to go to some cave and kill some vampires, before the Dragonborn left the leader gave him a crossbow… yeah, A CROSSBOW!!! You’ll spend a lot of time using the crossbow, mostly because it’s freaking sweet and partially because it can one-hit-sneak-attack-kill-thing pretty much every vampire that you run into. You can also enchant it with fire which should one-hit-sneak-attack-kill-thing every vampire that’s not a boss. Then you go to some cave and do some crap, you botch something up and you can either side with the vampires or the peoples, I chose both, but I haven’t had much time to experience either side of the spectrum. I got that ability, because I manage my saves well.

Anyways, my intention is to beat the DLC as a regular person, well, I’m a werewolf, which helps greatly because vampires can infect you pretty easily otherwise. Then, once I had my fill of helping people I could have my fill of people. I did go through the “Vampire Lord” tutorial, which was pretty empowering. The Vampire Lord is the same principle as being a werewolf, you can change into that form anytime and you’re given lots of power. Except instead of just running around swinging your claws, like it’s opposite, the Vampire Lord is given some awesome health-drain beam and can summon an army of undead to fight for it and since running isn’t a Vampire’s style you can turn into a swarm of bats to get around quicker. As fun as that is, I’m not a big fan of being a vampire, you have to suck necks, and you get really pale, and you have to rapist creep on teenage girls in a book or something and a bunch of other teenage girls find you irresistible it’s just not what a man wants to spend most of his Tuesdays doing, I mean real men.

If you enjoyed Skyrim, then you probably thought about getting this and you should. If you thought about buying Skyrim then you go do that and thank me for it, then buy this DLC, it seems to be worth it.

Also… Crossbows + Dragons  = Insta-sale