Don’t name your tropical resort “Dead Island”, seriously, it’s stupid.

HULK SMASH-ed my keyboard.

So, uuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I don’t know. I’m going to review a game, maybe. I don’t care anymore.

Let’s see, I just did the Walking Dead, I guess that was pretty cool.  Let’s see, Walking Dead, dead man walking, going on vacation… DEAD ISLAND!

Yeah, so Dead Island is a game… or something, I guess. It was made by Deep Silver who, I’m pretty sure, no one really knows exists. Sure they made a couple other games but they never hit it big. Then they released the Dead Island trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZqrG1bdGtg

*Sadness may occur.*

Yeah, that’s the one. People flipped out at the sight of a little girl going through her vacation backwards. It was some dramatic stuff, so obviously everyone was interested in Dead Island. Deep Silver showed it off at E3 and e’ryone was alla hyped! And they had reason to be, a zombie game with a beautiful atmosphere, four player co-op, free-roam, “realistic” zombie survival strategies… and they also bragged that they had a 50 foot tall zombie somewhere in the game. People had every reason to be super excited for this games release. And then they released it.

Oh boy, that was one of those awkward moments. Turns out the game may not have been super awesome. It was plagued with bugs and texture issues. Characters looked like plastic and moved like Bernie (Weekend at Bernie’s reference right there.) AI that was dumber than a sack of hammers, I literally failed a mission because I threw a Molotov cocktail down a hill at some zombies in the way and the guy I was escorting walked into it… Freaking idiot.

“Ok, so the mechanics weren’t the best but the story is still as emotional as the trailer, right?” Clamoured hundreds of fans.

“Oh, the story… That involves cut-scenes, we got cut-scenes.” Deep Silver said. “But we had to keep them to a thirty seconds maximum because of the four player co-op. We don’t want you and your friends to have to wait for too long.”

“But we were promised drama, emotion, and life and death situations.” The fans cried.

“Uh… Look at that, Zombie in a bikini, go hit it a couple times.” Deep Silver exclaimed.

Let’s dive in (huh? Huh? That was pretty good. You know, like dive into the water? You’re at a vacation resort… Oh screw you guys, that was funny.) Ugh… here’s the story.  Ingrates

So, you play as one of four survivors. I’ll tell you about them later. They wake up in the same hotel room every time. The second they get out of their room they’ll literally grab everything that isn’t nailed down, without even knowing about the zombie epidemic. Then some lifeguard named “Sinamoi” (Get it? He’s a lifeguard! IT’S FREAKING IRONIC! GOSH DANG! Please tell me you understand the irony in this situation) Sinamoi tells the crew that they need to get down from their hotel rooms… Ok, wait a second, one of the characters is an employee at the hotel, why is she sleeping in a hotel room? Then they get in an elevator, not an escalator, that’s a crucial plot point. The escalat- CRAP! The elevator starts going down, but then it breaks and free-falls for a couple years and stops on the main floor, two zombies see that there’s meat in this up-down-box and try to get at the yum-yums, just as the two reach the elevator it falls down another floor. Hooray. Then the characters are hit over the head by some guy who apparently has at least four arms. Then the characters wake up and see the same guy standing over them claiming that he is a doctor, not an executioner. (Don’t know why I mentioned that.) Once he realizes they ain’t a zamby he lets ‘em go free-range on the carpet. But before they have a chance to get them land-legs, some lady says that Cinnamon is outside and is dealing with some bitesys. The survivors don’t got any time for that, but the lady makes a very good argument “He saved your life, you owe him your life.” She says, fearful of hearing any more redundancies the survivors try to exit to save Sinbad the Sailor but they’re confronted with more redundant sentences when the guy at the door chimes in “You don’t have a weapon, you need to find a weapon.” He gets his point across and the ladies and gentlemans arm themselves with the latest in brain-bashing accessories. Then they gain access to the beach! Yeah, but they get clotheslined by a zombie. He was probably a wrestler. Once they defeat all the Walkers, Sinbad (The comedian this time) tells them that he keeps on hearing a voice, the survivors take a step back, Silly Snake says that he needs them to clear out the lifeguard station, because it’s roomier and the voice would come in better if they had that big ol’ signal tower. Then the four do his dirty work and the group that Snorlax was leading head over to the station. Now you get to the free roam aspect.

As you can tell right off the bat, since this is a semi-RPG, you have a lot of side quests and side quest givers. During a zombie apocalypse, people tend to gravitate towards one safe zone. Meaning all your missions will be in the same twelve square centimetre square (Even I’m doing it, even.) So, looking at your map to find a specific mission to take will just result in hundreds of exclamation marks leading to stupid people who want you to get twenty sea shells for them to make a necklace because they need a gift for their anniversary and they already used “zombie apocalypse” as an excuse for forgetting last years.

OK.

CHARACTERS!!!!

SAM B.! *cough* *ahem*, sorry… SAM B! used to be a rapper who made it big with one song then he was kind of forgotten. Gee, I wish that would happen to all the rappers. Anyways, this one song is so good that the hotel he was staying at hired him to sing this one song over and over again at a party. SAM B! being the fly guy he is, agrees. Poor guy. He’s the melee specialist, and his upgrade tree contains the skill that lets you bash through any door, locked or not. So get that one. Also SAM B! grew up in New Orleans, his dad went to prison and he was involved in gang activity… that means nothing to you? Right, he’s also black. MAKE SENSE NOW!?

Logan was a quarter back for the Texas Steaks or some stupid team name like that. Like all the characters, Logan has a tragic backstory; his is that he enjoys fast cars and street racing. During one street race he was side swiped and his passenger was killed and he broke his knee, effectively ruining his football career. So while he didn’t come to Dead Island to play football, he came because he has a name, a name that means something. Everybody has a name that means something, but his name is like Bill Murray, so he got a job promoting a blood drive (Eh? EH!? SCREW YOU! That’s comedy right there.) and then zombies happens. Logan is an all-around good guy. I’m not just saying that, he’s literally the all-around character, like Mario.

Xian Mei is the receptionist. Oh boy, where’s the tragedy in that? She hates her job? That’s it? Oh, she’s a Chinese spy… Wait what? She’s a Chinese spy? Ok, that’s a little racist. Assuming that any Chinese character is a spy with some kind of top-secret mission seems a little edgy to me. Xian Mei is the blade specialist, ok, seriously? Is that honestly the thing that you’re going with? Chinese spy who uses knives? Ok, I’m not here to judge. I’m here to critique, that’s completely different.

And Purna. She uses guns and she shot a pedophile who was rich. The end.  Also, she has a really stupid name. Purna… PUrna. PurnA. I don’t understand.

Let me talk about the gameplay. Ever play Skyrim? Yeah, you got it down.

Let me talk about the leveling system. Ever play Borderlands? Yeah, you got it down.

Let me talk about the multiplayer. Ever play Borderlands? Yeah, you got it down.

Let me talk about the weapon mods and crafting. Ever play Dead Rising 2? Well, you kind of got the idea.

So, when all’s said and done Dead Island is a good game that didn’t live up to its hype. There wasn’t any emotion in any character so when they inevitably died you would never care. The controls are really weird, well, not really the controls just the way your character controls. I actually really liked the game. I think of it as a train wreck… that doesn’t make any sense.

On a scale from something zombie related to something else zombie related, Dead Island gets a- a thing, I guess…

Have you guys ever heard “I Will Never Be The Same”? That’s a good freaking band… Sorry, just kind of… being awkward… I’ll let you continue on with your day. I’m just going to pretend like I’m promoting my own band, but that’s a lie and no one likes a tattle-tale… Liar. I am both those things.