You’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid you’re a squid you’re a kid

So Splatoon came out today. That’s exciting.

Splatoon is Nintendo’s answer to all the triple collaterals on free for all and dank 360 quickscopes. But with a nice change of pace in that the player characters are preteens and all the weapons are squirt guns that shoot ink.

The general idea of the only multiplayer mode currently available is to cover the ground in your team’s ink and get that weak sauce enemy ink out of MY HOUSE! Killing the other team doesn’t count for your score at all, which is nice.

There is a story mode but it doesn’t have an epic story that spans across twelve different countries and has you ink everything in sight to claim it for your squid overlord. (although that would be ballin’) Instead you just go into small levels that are set up kind of like Super Mario Galaxy, as in there are some self contained areas that you need to navigate through before reaching the next and finally the star… or light bulb with a fish in it…? Whadaheekdeysmokinattendo?

Each level is well designed and fun. I haven’t finished a level and then immediately thought it was an affront to game design as a whole and vow to never go back to that place as I do with many Nintendo games. And bosses, while easy, are creative and fun and force you to try a different strategy than just spray ink until dead.

The multiplayer is the main focus of the game and it’s made abundantly clear. The entire main hub area glorifies the online mode by literally making it a gigantic tower in the middle of the plaza and the single player is pushed off to the side, accessible only by a manhole cover. Or… Squidhole cover… Kidhole cover?

There are shops to buy new weapons and outfits which can only be used for multiplayer and purchased with a currency only gained in multiplayer. So you can dress up your kid/squid in some pretty fly duds.

Pfft. I haven’t even talked about the gameplay yet. Umm… I guess you control your aim with the Gamepad’s gyroscope sensor but you can turn that off if you want to. I kinda like it on, but to each his own. You can turn into a squid to travel through the ink faster, but you can only travel through your own color and once you cover enough turf you unlock a special attack. Special attacks are well varied and each has its own use. Unfortunately special attacks and grenades are taped to one weapon loadout so you can’t mix and match your favorites from each. And even more unfortunate, you can’t change your loadout during a match or in between, if your team has four rollers then that’s all your team will be using until the game is over. And if you want to get rid of your roller, you’ll have to back out of the match making, chump. This is Splatoon, we don’t use tried and true methods that work here.

Another thing that kind of bums me out is the lack of content in its current state. There is one (1) game mode available with another becoming made available once a sufficient amount of kids/squids have been sacrificed to Shigeru Miyamoto. There are also only five or six maps and you can only play on two of them at a time every four hours. So you’ll probably end up playing the same map a few times in a row (16)

They promised more maps and game modes to be released as free DLC in the coming months. But until then all you’re getting is pity.

Gr8 b8 m8 i r8 8/8