I never really liked these pants anyways.

SLENDER! YEAH!

What’s Slender? I hear you unintelligible citizens of the average intellect begging someone of higher intellect explain this marvelous poop-yo-pants-fest.

Slender is a game that takes place in a forest and you do some crap. Whatever, I’ll get to that later. Right now I’m just here to ‘splain the Slenderman.

Slenderman is a man… that’s like eight feet tall and his arms are really long. He also forgot to get a face when he was given that option. He follows people without actually moving, he just kind of teleports around after them like a total scary poopoo. If you look at him too long he “takes you” as it were, when he takes someone he kind of does some stuff that ends up with them all skewered up on a tree in a rather creepy fashion. Slendy does not make a good exterior designer. All in all, Slenderman is what the internet calls a “creepypasta” I guess. So why am I telling you such details without giving enough details to make you need new pants and ending your sleep forever? Because some moron made a game out of this “man”, and I’m here to review that game. Better grab some teddy bears and your parents, cause it’s gonna be a scary one.

So, Slender doesn’t really have a story. From what I’ve gathered, you play as a cyborg who’s wearing high heels and probably has a gimp leg, meaning she runs about as fast as a melting stick of butter down a hill. (SHAMELESS RIP-OFF!) this girls objective is to collect eight pieces of loose-leaf to complete her homework for school tomorrow. She’s not very good at writing an eight page essay on the history of the honey badger because they’re all just frantic scribblings and words conveying a deep fear of the Slenderman. Who is apparently racist against cyborgs that want to complete their secondary schooling so they can eventually graduate and go into college. Cyborg McGimpleg’s job is to grab all of these pages while Slenderman is bearing down on her with an increasing vengeance that coincides with the amount of homework she has gathered.

Slender’s gameplay is definitely gameplay. And that’s about all I can say about it. You basically walk around really slowly carrying a flashlight. I think this game would be better if I could use a mini gun, but you take what you can get. There is a sprint function but that’s about as useful as slamming your head into a bear trap to see if you can make a bagel, sure you move slightly faster but you lower your flashlight and you have a limited stamina bar that, while it recharges over time, the maximum amount decreases permanently. Once you grab your first page, Slenderman appears and starts following you around, if you can’t at least get the second page, there’s something wrong here. And if Slender himself isn’t scary enough for you, they added some form of music that escalates with each page you grab, making that stain on your paints grow in size every half-minute.

I went into Slender convinced that I was going to punch him in the mouth and grab all the loose-leafs. After about three point nine seconds after grabbing the first page had passed, any semblance of manliness had graciously receeded into the darkest parts of my soul and my hearty, manly, courageous exterior was reduced to Samus’ reaction to Ridley in Other M. (OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAWWWSH, I hate that game.)

If you enjoy self-torture or permanent insomnia you should try this game. I don’t know if it costs money, I assume that it does, but I’m no stupid. I don’t pay for my video game entertainment. On a scale from happy thoughts to getting your organs put into plastic bags, Slender gets a solid pee-stain.