{"id":996,"date":"2013-06-01T10:29:45","date_gmt":"2013-06-01T16:29:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/?p=996"},"modified":"2013-07-17T08:19:48","modified_gmt":"2013-07-17T14:19:48","slug":"phantastic-game-reviews-hes-lying-to-you-hes-not-reviewing-a-game-at-all","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/phantastic-game-reviews-hes-lying-to-you-hes-not-reviewing-a-game-at-all\/","title":{"rendered":"[Ph!GR] He&#8217;s lying to you. He&#8217;s not reviewing a game at all."},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Gee whilikers. First Saturday with the new and improved BaconStripEmpire.com (tell your friends.) and I don\u2019t even have an actual game review since this week is pretty devoid of game video releases. So I figured I\u2019d share some insight on what I can only speculate is the perfect zombie apocalypse survival technique. First things first. If you don\u2019t know anything about zombies, get out. Ok, I forgive you but only because you gave me all that money\u2026 Oh, wait.<\/p>\n<p>Ok, education time.<!--more--><\/p>\n<p>Zambys (Don\u2019t correct me Microsoft, I\u2019mma be using that word a heckuva lot\u2026 I\u2019ll also probably use heckuva a lot.) Zambys are the Walking Dead (coincidentally the TV show\/book series\/virdyo garms that I\u2019ll be basing this heavily off of.) Basically what happens is that some crap happens that no one really knows happened and then a bunch of the Zombsters get let loose on the world and start infecting people. How the Zambelles do this is by either biting or scratching an individual, then that person dies and comes back and gets a serious case of the munchies. So, let me just tell you something real quick, you\u2019re probably not immune so don\u2019t be stupid.<\/p>\n<p>Now, that all sorted out? Good, time for some MLG strats (that\u2019s Major League Gamer Strategies, FYI(that\u2019s For Your Information.)) Here\u2019s how you can survive the zombie apocalypse until it\u2019s over or until you get your face torn off, whichever happens first.<\/p>\n<p>BULLET TIME!<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Firstly, Zambys are some scary chizz, and they\u2019re pretty freaking disgusting, so don\u2019t judge them because they have a couple pieces of your best friend Randy (Randy will be your companion on this adventure, imagine that he\u2019s either really fat or a total hunk, but he\u2019s covered in tattoos and piercings either way.) hanging out their eating holes.\n<ul>\n<li>But how does this apply to survival strategies? Well I\u2019ll tell you, you ungrateful little poopoo peepee pants. Zombies are a lot like train wrecks (or your mom. ZING!), you can\u2019t help but look at them, avoid all impulses to make eye contact with your friend, Terry, (any zombie that I reference specifically will be named Terry.) As he\u2019s busy eating your kitten \u201cFluffles\u201d because you\u2019ll probably freeze up in terror and he\u2019ll notice that you\u2019re a larger, less hairy meal for him to snack on.\u00a0 There you go, survival.<\/li>\n<li>Second, you\u2019ll need something either blunt, sharp, both, or some form of projectile launcher, you can find these almost anywhere. But.\n<ul>\n<li>Using bullets-go-shootsties all the time is probably a bad idea for at least\u2026 meh, three reasons. 1. Bullets aren\u2019t infinite, even on turrets, you CoD fanatics. 2. (I\u2019m going off Walking Dead logic here) loud noises attract them biters and guns is full of the stuff, so you should avoid using one unless it\u2019s like your last resort. 3. You probably suck at aiming\u2026 There, now you know about the dangers of running with sciss- Guns.<\/li>\n<li>Third, you\u2019re gonna need eats.\n<ul>\n<li>Ok, yeah, so you get your guns, you get your shelter, you get your toilet, but suddenly you\u2019re just as hungry as Terry over there and Randy\u2019s looking mighty tasty. Don\u2019t resort to cannibalism, I\u2019ve learned that it\u2019s not \u201csocially acceptable\u201d and other children like eating paste or whatever so I should do that. You\u2019re going to need to get some kind of food source that you can keep around for a while without it getting all icky sticky. So, much to my chagrin, no milk or steak, unless you find a farm.<\/li>\n<li>Segway! Four. You\u2019re probably going to need a place to stay for the night or for the apocalypse, this is where this guy gets to give some insight (some more insight)\n<ul>\n<li>I\u2019ve devised this whole survivor thing into two separate groups. \u201cSettlers\u201d and \u201cWanderers\u201d\n<ul>\n<li>Settlers- Probably consists of a group of at least 10 people who probably all hate each other. Basically what they do is kind of pick a place and defend it from the brain-eaters, then they fortify it to keep stuff out, then they send a couple people who the vast majority doesn\u2019t like to go out into the closest city and get some supplies.<\/li>\n<li>Wanderers- Walk around\u2026 that\u2019s it. That\u2019s all they do, they never settle they just keep moving and surviving.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>There are also some sub categories like the nice people, bandits, and the crazies. Get yourself into the last group, then you\u2019re set.<\/li>\n<li>Five. (I was going to write that in another language, but then I realized I can barely speak English\u2026) you\u2019re going to have to make some tough choices. Unless you\u2019re just a supporting character and ol\u2019 main hero over there is being all protagonistic and whining about how he lost his wife and kids, so he has nothing left to live for and you\u2019re just kind of there to survive long enough for him to realize that maybe he still has something to live for and he starts changing his ways so he\u2019s the last man standing on some kind of island off the cost of Paraguay and he forgets your name\u2026 But if you\u2019re not then people are going to rely on you.\n<ul>\n<li>EXAMPLES! Let\u2019s say you and a couple Randy\u2019s come across some guy who was bit by Terry back in that office buildings down the road. You know the one. The one where that hot girl who comes to your hot-dog stand works\u2026 She\u2019s probably a zombie now. I know that feel, bro. Anyways, are you going to let this future Terry live? You gonna shoot him or what? You think he\u2019ll live? Don\u2019t shoot him, he might survive. You should shoot him, he\u2019s going to turn. You see, what I\u2019m doing here is role-playing your annoying companions.<\/li>\n<li>SIX! Your best weapon is also what zombies want you for\u2026 it\u2019s your brain, I wasn\u2019t tricking you.\n<ul>\n<li>See, maybe you\u2019ll find some kind of item that doesn\u2019t seem like much at the moment. But it turns out that with a little time and effort you can turn that run-down beach home into like a five star resort or some crap like that. Let me example real quick. Let\u2019s say you find a board, ok, yeah, just a board, you can use it to whack a couple heads but it won\u2019t be extremely effective. Let\u2019s pretend you take said board for later, and stumble into some nails. Once you pick the nails out of your body you realize that you could pound them into the board, after breaking your hands, Randy suggests getting a hammer. You use the hammer you picked up earlier (Not because I\u2019m too lazy to write about how you got the hammer but because you have foresight.) to turn a regular ol\u2019 two by four into a regular ol\u2019 two by four with some nails in it. There you go\u2026 ingenuity.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>And that\u2019s all you really need, follow that advice and you\u2019ll probably stay a Randy and avoid becoming a Terry.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Also\u2026 Don\u2019t have sex during a zombie apocalypse\u2026 just don\u2019t, never turns out well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Gee whilikers. First Saturday with the new and improved BaconStripEmpire.com (tell your friends.) and I don\u2019t even have an actual game review since this week is pretty devoid of game video releases. So I figured I\u2019d share some insight on what I can only speculate is the perfect zombie apocalypse survival technique. First things first.&hellip;<\/p>\n<p><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/phantastic-game-reviews-hes-lying-to-you-hes-not-reviewing-a-game-at-all\/\" title=\"Continue reading &lsquo;[Ph!GR] He&#8217;s lying to you. He&#8217;s not reviewing a game at all.&rsquo;\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2,5],"tags":[523,522,524],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/996"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=996"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/996\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1150,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/996\/revisions\/1150"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=996"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=996"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=996"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}