{"id":742,"date":"2012-12-15T19:49:00","date_gmt":"2012-12-16T01:49:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baconstripempire.wordpress.com\/?p=742"},"modified":"2013-07-17T08:19:49","modified_gmt":"2013-07-17T14:19:49","slug":"phantastic-game-reviews-dead-island","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/phantastic-game-reviews-dead-island\/","title":{"rendered":"[Ph!GR] Dead Island"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Dead<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t name your tropical resort \u201cDead Island\u201d, seriously, it\u2019s stupid.<\/b><\/p>\n

HULK SMASH-ed my keyboard.<\/p>\n

So, uuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh\u2026 I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m going to review a game, maybe. I don\u2019t care anymore.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s see, I just did the Walking Dead, I guess that was pretty cool.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see, Walking Dead, dead man walking, going on vacation\u2026 DEAD ISLAND!<\/p>\n

Yeah, so Dead Island is a game\u2026 or something, I guess. It was made by Deep Silver who, I\u2019m pretty sure, no one really knows exists. Sure they made a couple other games but they never hit it big. Then they released the Dead Island trailer.<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=lZqrG1bdGtg<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

*Sadness may occur.*<\/b><\/p>\n

Yeah, that\u2019s the one. People flipped out at the sight of a little girl going through her vacation backwards. It was some dramatic stuff, so obviously everyone was interested in Dead Island. Deep Silver showed it off at E3 and e\u2019ryone was alla hyped! And they had reason to be, a zombie game with a beautiful atmosphere, four player co-op, free-roam, \u201crealistic\u201d zombie survival strategies\u2026 and they also bragged that they had a 50 foot tall zombie somewhere in the game. People had every reason to be super excited for this games release. And then they released it.<\/p>\n

Oh boy, that was one of those awkward moments. Turns out the game may not have been super awesome. It was plagued with bugs and texture issues. Characters looked like plastic and moved like Bernie (Weekend at Bernie\u2019s reference right there.) AI that was dumber than a sack of hammers, I literally failed a mission because I threw a Molotov cocktail down a hill at some zombies in the way and the guy I was escorting walked into it\u2026 Freaking idiot.<\/p>\n

\u201cOk, so the mechanics weren\u2019t the best but the story is still as emotional as the trailer, right?\u201d Clamoured hundreds of fans.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, the story\u2026 That involves cut-scenes, we got cut-scenes.\u201d Deep Silver said. \u201cBut we had to keep them to a thirty seconds maximum because of the four player co-op. We don\u2019t want you and your friends to have to wait for too long.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut we were promised drama, emotion, and life and death situations.\u201d The fans cried.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 Look at that, Zombie in a bikini, go hit it a couple times.\u201d Deep Silver exclaimed.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s dive in (huh? Huh? That was pretty good. You know, like dive into the water? You\u2019re at a vacation resort\u2026 Oh screw you guys, that was funny.) Ugh\u2026 here\u2019s the story.\u00a0 Ingrates<\/p>\n

So, you play as one of four survivors. I\u2019ll tell you about them later. They wake up in the same hotel room every time. The second they get out of their room they\u2019ll literally grab everything that isn\u2019t nailed down, without even knowing about the zombie epidemic. Then some lifeguard named \u201cSinamoi\u201d (Get it? He\u2019s a lifeguard! IT\u2019S FREAKING IRONIC! GOSH DANG! Please tell me you understand the irony in this situation) Sinamoi tells the crew that they need to get down from their hotel rooms\u2026 Ok, wait a second, one of the characters is an employee at the hotel, why is she sleeping in a hotel room? Then they get in an elevator, not an escalator, that\u2019s a crucial plot point. The escalat- CRAP! The elevator starts going down, but then it breaks and free-falls for a couple years and stops on the main floor, two zombies see that there\u2019s meat in this up-down-box and try to get at the yum-yums, just as the two reach the elevator it falls down another floor. Hooray. Then the characters are hit over the head by some guy who apparently has at least four arms. Then the characters wake up and see the same guy standing over them claiming that he is a doctor, not an executioner. (Don\u2019t know why I mentioned that.) Once he realizes they ain\u2019t a zamby he lets \u2018em go free-range on the carpet. But before they have a chance to get them land-legs, some lady says that Cinnamon is outside and is dealing with some bitesys. The survivors don\u2019t got any time for that, but the lady makes a very good argument \u201cHe saved your life, you owe him your life.\u201d She says, fearful of hearing any more redundancies the survivors try to exit to save Sinbad the Sailor but they\u2019re confronted with more redundant sentences when the guy at the door chimes in \u201cYou don\u2019t have a weapon, you need to find a weapon.\u201d He gets his point across and the ladies and gentlemans arm themselves with the latest in brain-bashing accessories. Then they gain access to the beach! Yeah, but they get clotheslined by a zombie. He was probably a wrestler. Once they defeat all the Walkers, Sinbad (The comedian this time) tells them that he keeps on hearing a voice, the survivors take a step back, Silly Snake says that he needs them to clear out the lifeguard station, because it\u2019s roomier and the voice would come in better if they had that big ol\u2019 signal tower. Then the four do his dirty work and the group that Snorlax was leading head over to the station. Now you get to the free roam aspect.<\/p>\n

As you can tell right off the bat, since this is a semi-RPG, you have a lot of side quests and side quest givers. During a zombie apocalypse, people tend to gravitate towards one safe zone. Meaning all your missions will be in the same twelve square centimetre square (Even I\u2019m doing it, even.) So, looking at your map to find a specific mission to take will just result in hundreds of exclamation marks leading to stupid people who want you to get twenty sea shells for them to make a necklace because they need a gift for their anniversary and they already used \u201czombie apocalypse\u201d as an excuse for forgetting last years.<\/p>\n

OK.<\/p>\n

CHARACTERS!!!!<\/p>\n

SAM B.! *cough* *ahem*, sorry\u2026 SAM B! used to be a rapper who made it big with one song then he was kind of forgotten. Gee, I wish that would happen to all the rappers. Anyways, this one song is so good that the hotel he was staying at hired him to sing this one song over and over again at a party. SAM B! being the fly guy he is, agrees. Poor guy. He\u2019s the melee specialist, and his upgrade tree contains the skill that lets you bash through any door, locked or not. So get that one. Also SAM B! grew up in New Orleans, his dad went to prison and he was involved in gang activity\u2026 that means nothing to you? Right, he\u2019s also black. MAKE SENSE NOW!?<\/p>\n

Logan was a quarter back for the Texas Steaks or some stupid team name like that. Like all the characters, Logan has a tragic backstory; his is that he enjoys fast cars and street racing. During one street race he was side swiped and his passenger was killed and he broke his knee, effectively ruining his football career. So while he didn\u2019t come to Dead Island to play football, he came because he has a name, a name that means something. Everybody has a name that means something, but his name is like Bill Murray, so he got a job promoting a blood drive (Eh? EH!? SCREW YOU! That\u2019s comedy right there.) and then zombies happens. Logan is an all-around good guy. I\u2019m not just saying that, he\u2019s literally the all-around character, like Mario.<\/p>\n

Xian Mei is the receptionist. Oh boy, where\u2019s the tragedy in that? She hates her job? That\u2019s it? Oh, she\u2019s a Chinese spy\u2026 Wait what? She\u2019s a Chinese spy? Ok, that\u2019s a little racist. Assuming that any Chinese character is a spy with some kind of top-secret mission seems a little edgy to me. Xian Mei is the blade specialist, ok, seriously? Is that honestly the thing that you\u2019re going with? Chinese spy who uses knives? Ok, I\u2019m not here to judge. I\u2019m here to critique, that\u2019s completely different.<\/p>\n

And Purna. She uses guns and she shot a pedophile who was rich. The end.\u00a0 Also, she has a really stupid name. Purna\u2026 PUrna. PurnA. I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n

Let me talk about the gameplay. Ever play Skyrim? Yeah, you got it down.<\/p>\n

Let me talk about the leveling system. Ever play Borderlands? Yeah, you got it down.<\/p>\n

Let me talk about the multiplayer. Ever play Borderlands? Yeah, you got it down.<\/p>\n

Let me talk about the weapon mods and crafting. Ever play Dead Rising 2? Well, you kind of got the idea.<\/p>\n

So, when all\u2019s said and done Dead Island is a good game that didn\u2019t live up to its hype. There wasn\u2019t any emotion in any character so when they inevitably died you would never care. The controls are really weird, well, not really the controls just the way your character controls. I actually really liked the game. I think of it as a train wreck\u2026 that doesn\u2019t make any sense.<\/p>\n

On a scale from something zombie related to something else zombie related, Dead Island gets a- a thing, I guess\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Have you guys ever heard \u201cI Will Never Be The Same\u201d? That\u2019s a good freaking band\u2026 Sorry, just kind of\u2026 being awkward\u2026 I\u2019ll let you continue on with your day. I\u2019m just going to pretend like I\u2019m promoting my own band, but that\u2019s a lie and no one likes a tattle-tale\u2026 Liar. I am both those things.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Don\u2019t name your tropical resort \u201cDead Island\u201d, seriously, it\u2019s stupid.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2,5],"tags":[523,522,524],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/742"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=742"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/742\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1164,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/742\/revisions\/1164"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=742"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=742"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=742"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}