{"id":667,"date":"2012-10-13T08:49:45","date_gmt":"2012-10-13T14:49:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baconstripempire.wordpress.com\/?p=667"},"modified":"2013-07-17T08:19:06","modified_gmt":"2013-07-17T14:19:06","slug":"phantastic-game-reviews-paper-mario-the-thousand-year-door","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/phantastic-game-reviews-paper-mario-the-thousand-year-door\/","title":{"rendered":"[Ph!GR] Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door"},"content":{"rendered":"

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No I am not dead, thank you very much. After a mishandled parkour stunt I have been in the hospital in critical condition, so thanks for the flowers\u2026 Oh wait. No but seriously last week I was out eating thanksgiving. WHO CARES!? Am I right? \u2026 I care.<\/p>\n

Papyer Mayreeeooooo Teh Thoozend yar dour<\/p>\n

Now in English<\/p>\n

Papyer Mayree- Wait<\/p>\n

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s a little story time for you. Too bad, you\u2019re going to hear it anyway. I absolutely love the Paper Mario series, and the second Paper Mario 3DS comes out, you bet your sweet booty that I\u2019mma be playing that game alla days. But in my honest opinion, God as my witness\u2026 let\u2019s just be inclusive here, God, Allah, Buddha and nothing as my witnesses, out of all the Paper Mario games Paper Mario: TTYD is my favorite, and it easily makes my top 5 of most favorite games ever made. But who has two broken thumbs and is an idiot? This guy, right here. I sold Thousand Year Door\u2026 to Calen, and he can\u2019t even play games anymore. So, I don\u2019t know maybe once this review is posted I\u2019ll beg him to sell it back to me, but I digest- guh- digress.<\/p>\n

The part you NEED to pay attention to, AIGHT!?… It\u2019s the story, in case you don\u2019t get how this works, I write a crappy intro, spoil ninety percent of the story, adore the video game (Not Other M, you get that crap out of my house.) then I just kind of end things awkwardly \u2026 there, that\u2019s your awkward ending.<\/p>\n

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Ok, Story.<\/p>\n

TTYD starts off with our portly plumber waking up on some kind of ship, he wasn\u2019t kidnapped or anything, he\u2019s on there willingly, Peach told him she found some kind of treasure map, box, crap thing he needed to see, so she sent him from the Mushroom Kingdom alla way to some place called Rogueport, for some reason. When the captain of the ship wakes Mario up he makes a joke about Mario not shutting up about this place the entire time they were travelling, which I really like. It\u2019s a nice touch. So Mario arrives in Rogueport and is all beat up by some X-nauts, who are the bad guys, he\u2019s rescued by a goomba\u2026 wait what? (I can\u2019t remember her name, I think it was Goomberella or some stupid poop like that.)\u00a0 So the two team up and meet some kind of goomba professor (I don\u2019t get this game) who tells them that he found a door in the sewer so they head down there or whatever and boom. Game happens. Ok, fine, they learn that the door is where Peach\u2019s treasure was and they decide they need to open it or something and to do that they need seven crystal stars, which are scattered all over the land, then Mario goes-a on his adventure-a, along the way he meets up with people from the land of Narnia, or Mario characters and enemies, some of who try to kill you and some who join you.<\/p>\n

Ok, allies.<\/p>\n

So you start off with the useless goomba, then you get a less useless koopa, eventually you get a Yoshi that you can name, I named mine \u201cSir Woofums\u201d. \u00a0Then you get some others. The last ally you get is a sailor Bob-omb who is AWESOME! Each of them has a unique set of moves during attack that really help out, \u2018cept Goombella, that crap\u2019s useless. Each of them also has an ability that they can use in combat or outside. Some are necessary to advance in the game, others (ahem, had some \u201ctattle\u201d caught in my throat there) are totally useless. There\u2019s also a gender confused ghost\u2026 well, in Japan, in the North American version they make it clear she is in fact a she, so whatever.<\/p>\n

Ok, Settings.<\/p>\n

What? What? WHAT!? Yeah, I\u2019m talking about the settings in this game, it\u2019s inspired me so. Mostly I\u2019m using this as an excuse to talk about my favorite chapter but that\u2019s a later topic. The central hub town is Rogueport which is kind of like a slum version of the Mushroom Kingdom, there\u2019s garbage all over the street and a freaking guillotine in the middle of the main square, so it\u2019s a little risqu\u00e9. Once you learn about all the stars you get to go out and about to all the different locations , one of my favorite being a haunted ghost town where Mario is turned into a shadow and loses his party members except for one aforementioned transvestite. Or a floating coliseum where boxing takes place, it\u2019s an utterly amazing chapter, for the most part you\u2019re just thrust into battle after battle against other people who are competing against you to earn the title of champeen, but then you get this whole conspiracy thing that you need to unravel to get the Crystal Star and it\u2019s awesome, that\u2019s also the chapter where you get the Yoshi. My favorite chapter and debatably my favorite level in any video game is Chapter 6 where you\u2019re put on a train to the rich part of the town, and the train is just great, it\u2019s split up into three days where you have to complete some kind of challenge to advance the time from morning to mid-day to evening and on the third day to night, once you get off the train and get to the rich kids neighborhood is where it becomes lame, but that only lasts for like twenty seconds and you\u2019re done. But the rest of the chapter is spectacular, for some unexplained reason, it\u2019s just great, I\u2019m like butta, I love it.<\/p>\n

Ok, Gameplay.<\/p>\n

This game has three different gameplay modes. First is the exploring mode, where you\u2019ll find yourself in the most, you get full control of Mario, you run, jump, hammer things and turn into a paper airplane, yeah, that\u2019s right. At the beginning of the game Mario is cursed by a black chest that twists his body into shapes that he needs to progress in his adventure, so, thanks for the curse chump. That happens two more times in the game and each time it happens the chests get more and more pleased with themselves cursing you meanwhile you\u2019re getting increasingly happier that they\u2019re doing it. SIDE NOTE OVER! When you\u2019re roaming the streets you can swap your party members and use their abilities to get ahead in life. Combat is activated by touching an enemy, no random encounters here.<\/p>\n

Combat is turn-based, which I usually hate because it\u2019s so un-involved but Nintendo managed to spice it up, instead of mindlessly mashing the A button to get the thing you\u2019re trying to kill killed, you can perform attacks that do extra damage by timing the execution right. I.E. When you jump on an enemy you can press the A button right before Mario smacks their face with his foot and do double damage. You can also time blocks so you take less damage, which is ingenuity, and I hope more RPGs can learn that fun is an important aspect to gameplay.<\/p>\n

The final mode of gameplay is\u2026 playing as Bowser. At the beginning of the game it is established that Bowser is chasing after Mario for some reason, after every other (or so) chapter you jump into the shoes (he doesn\u2019t wear shoes) of Bowser, these sections play like classic Mario side-scrollers, you go from left to right and jump on top of a flag pole at the end, but the twist is you can breathe fire instead of jumping on top of people. These sections are my favorite because they\u2019re usually hilarious.<\/p>\n

But this entire freaking game is hilarious. Admittedly it doesn\u2019t tell as amazing a story as Super Paper Mario and the emotion behind it isn\u2019t nearly as strong, and I didn\u2019t cry like a little babie at the end and I don\u2019t have emotional breakdowns every time I listen to this games OST, but I still favour Thousand Year Door simply because it\u2019s heck-a-fun and the story is pretty good, plus your companions are way more interesting than those Pixl things. And Paper Mario\u2019s are the type of game where you don\u2019t mash the A button watching as the text and important things you need to do scroll past so you can invest the next forty hours of your life grinding just to take on the first boss, Paper Mario makes the words interesting and kept someone like me interested for around the thirty hours it took me to beat this game.<\/p>\n

Ok, Verdict.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve sort of stopped doing random rating scales, so I guess umm\u2026 Don\u2019t not play this game? If you don\u2019t do one thing in your life it better not be play this game. This sounds kind of backwards. Ok, let\u2019s say you have a week until you die, and you\u2019ve never played this game. Either buy it off Amazon or pry it from the cold dead hands of your neighbor who used<\/i> to own it, disregard your loved ones, ignore any bodily needs, and you fricking play this game, you beat this game, you love this game. I\u2019m trying to use mind control. You will give me fifty bucks, you will give me fifty bucks, you will give me\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2,5],"tags":[523,522,524],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/667"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=667"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/667\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1113,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/667\/revisions\/1113"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=667"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=667"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=667"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}