{"id":610,"date":"2012-09-14T19:54:50","date_gmt":"2012-09-15T01:54:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baconstripempire.wordpress.com\/?p=610"},"modified":"2013-07-17T08:19:06","modified_gmt":"2013-07-17T14:19:06","slug":"phantastic-game-reviews-slender","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/phantastic-game-reviews-slender\/","title":{"rendered":"[Ph!GR] Slender"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I never really liked these pants anyways.<\/p>\n

SLENDER! YEAH!<\/p>\n

What\u2019s Slender? I hear you unintelligible citizens of the average intellect begging someone of higher intellect explain this marvelous poop-yo-pants-fest.<\/p>\n

Slender is a game that takes place in a forest and you do some crap. Whatever, I\u2019ll get to that later. Right now I\u2019m just here to \u2018splain the Slenderman.<\/p>\n

Slenderman is a man\u2026 that\u2019s like eight feet tall and his arms are really long. He also forgot to get a face when he was given that option. He follows people without actually moving, he just kind of teleports around after them like a total scary poopoo.\u00a0If you look at him too long he \u201ctakes you\u201d as it were, when he takes someone he kind of does some stuff that ends up with them all skewered up on a tree in a rather creepy fashion. Slendy does not make a good exterior designer. All in all, Slenderman is what the internet calls a \u201ccreepypasta\u201d I guess. So why am I telling you such details without giving enough details to make you need new pants and ending your sleep forever? Because some moron made a game out of this \u201cman\u201d, and I\u2019m here to review that game. Better grab some teddy bears and your parents, cause it\u2019s gonna be a scary one.<\/p>\n

So, Slender doesn\u2019t really have a story. From what I\u2019ve gathered, you play as a cyborg who\u2019s wearing high heels and probably has a gimp leg, meaning she runs about as fast as a melting stick of butter down a hill. (SHAMELESS RIP-OFF!) this girls objective is to collect eight pieces of loose-leaf to complete her homework for school tomorrow. She\u2019s not very good at writing an eight page essay on the history of the honey badger because they\u2019re all just frantic scribblings and words conveying a deep fear of the Slenderman. Who is apparently racist against cyborgs that want to complete their secondary schooling so they can eventually graduate and go into college. Cyborg McGimpleg\u2019s job is to grab all of these pages while Slenderman is bearing down on her with an increasing vengeance that coincides with the amount of homework she has gathered.<\/p>\n

Slender\u2019s gameplay is definitely gameplay. And that\u2019s about all I can say about it. You basically walk around really slowly carrying a flashlight. I think this game would be better if I could use a mini gun, but you take what you can get. There is a sprint function but that\u2019s about as useful as slamming your head into a bear trap to see if you can make a bagel, sure you move slightly faster but you lower your flashlight and you have a limited stamina bar that, while it recharges over time, the maximum amount decreases permanently. Once you grab your first page, Slenderman appears and starts following you around, if you can\u2019t at least get the second page, there\u2019s something wrong here. And if Slender himself isn\u2019t scary enough for you, they added some form of music that escalates with each page you grab, making that stain on your paints grow in size every half-minute.<\/p>\n

I went into Slender convinced that I was going to punch him in the mouth and grab all the loose-leafs. After about three point nine seconds after grabbing the first page had passed, any semblance of manliness had graciously receeded into the darkest parts of my soul and my hearty, manly, courageous exterior was reduced to Samus\u2019 reaction to Ridley in Other M. (OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAWWWSH, I hate that game.)<\/p>\n

If you enjoy self-torture or permanent insomnia you should try this game. I don\u2019t know if it costs money, I assume that it does, but I\u2019m no stupid. I don\u2019t pay for my video game entertainment. On a scale from happy thoughts to getting your organs put into plastic bags, Slender gets a solid pee-stain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2,5],"tags":[523,522,524],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/610"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=610"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/610\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1115,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/610\/revisions\/1115"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=610"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=610"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=610"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}