{"id":1070,"date":"2013-06-29T11:16:03","date_gmt":"2013-06-29T17:16:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/?p=1070"},"modified":"2013-07-17T08:19:48","modified_gmt":"2013-07-17T14:19:48","slug":"phantastic-game-reviews-dead-space-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/phantastic-game-reviews-dead-space-2\/","title":{"rendered":"[Ph!GR] Dead Space 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Dead<\/a><\/b><\/p>\n

How exactly does space die?… Twice?<\/b><\/p>\n

Yeah. I\u2019m actually doing proper reviews now. Sorry for the past however long I haven\u2019t been writing reviews. But did you really care? I bet you did. Everybody cares about me\u2026 right?<\/p>\n

Well, whatever. I\u2019ve been playing games lately, as I\u2019m prone to do. The particular game I\u2019ve been playing that I am now talking about is Dead Space 2. I\u2019ve never played the first Dead Space because I was like three when it was released and far too much of a pansy baby to, you know, play it. But I am much older and wiser and I hadn\u2019t been able to play Dead Space 2 until like 3 months ago. Hence why I played. And apparently, Dead Space is supposed to be scary, but isn\u2019t really scary, I\u2019ll talk about why. But right now it\u2019s story time.<\/p>\n

You play as Isaac Clarke, the antagonist of the first game. (I always get antagonists and protagonists mixed up.) Eye Sack Clarke(?) is suffering from some form of insanity that all men his age seem to deal with. Glowing dead ex-girlfriends. Is that something most men suffer through? I have no idea. I\u2019m not exactly in the best place to speculate. I am not very old, and I have never dated a woman (So\u2026 lonely\u2026) Obviously, insane men like Isaac must be kept in an insane asylum\u2026 IN SPAAAAAAACE! Yeah. Isaac is kept in an insane asylum on the space station \u201cSprawl\u201d That is located near Saturn or some crap like that. Unfortunately, aside from housing insane people, children, and a mall, the Sprawl also houses some nasty Necromorphs. Necromorphs are some kind of alien thing that just reanimate dead bodies. Yeeeaaaahhhh\u2026 I guess Isaac has a knack for getting into trouble because less than thirty seconds in, some guy turns into a necromorph literally three inches away from Isaacs face and tries thence forth to eat it. Isaac luckily escapes the crazy town and explores the rest of the station looking for some way to get off it or get it on\u2026<\/p>\n

You know. The thing about Dead Space is that it\u2019s technically a survival horror game. But it has next to nothing to do with survival or horror. Ammo and health drops are pretty common and even if they aren\u2019t, you can buy them at shops all over the town, and bad guys jump out at you every once in a while. I\u2019ll admit during the first couple minutes I was pretty scared but after I actually acquired some way to defend myself, I was the cock of the walk.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a stupid expression.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s talk about things that aren\u2019t stupid first, and then get into the stuff that is stupid.<\/p>\n

Well, the whole game is pretty un-stupid in essence. It\u2019s pretty fun I guess. The best part are the zero gravity parts where you get to fly around and solve puzzles. When I play these parts I think about what a game based solely on this mechanic would look like. You know, without all the shooting necromorphs and stuff.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s stupid? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm\u2026 It got kind of boring after a while and I felt like I was playing it just to beat it. I guess that\u2019s something that happens every once in a while.<\/p>\n

On a scale from a star exploding to Disney going out of business, Dead Space 2 gets an obese lady eating black licorice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How exactly does space die?… Twice?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[5],"tags":[523,522,524],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1070"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1147,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070\/revisions\/1147"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1070"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1070"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reimer.haus\/bse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}